Don't put pressure on your child to eat
This is one of the key tips that experts in feeding agree on (see more here). But what do we mean by this?
Pressure to eat can maybe be seen as a continuum from using corporal punishment (eg smacking) for not eating, to excessive verbal encouragement to eat:
Physical punishment for not eating, e.g. hitting.
Making threats of physical punishment to get a child to eat or drink, eg if you don't eat it, I'll force it down you or hit you.
Physically forcing a child to eat or drink against their will, e.g. by holding their arms or hands or head whilst spoon feeding them or bottle or cup feeding them.
Making threats of non-physical punishment to get a child to eat or drink, e.g. if you don't eat this, you will go to bed early/get no pudding/get no screen time/not get a sticker
Using rewards to get a child to eat or drink, eg if you eat this, you will get a sticker/stay up late
Eating and drinking rules, e.g. we have to clear our plates, or we have to take one bite of everything
Using disapproval to get a child to eat, eg I will be so disappointed in you if you don't eat this
Using conditional praise to get a child to eat or drink, eg If you are a good boy, you'll eat that one
Giving praise after eating or drinking something, eg yay, you ate the broccoli or Good girl!
Prompting to eat, eg go on, one more bite
When you look through these you probably reject some towards the top of the list as unacceptable, but as you move down the list, where do you think pressure stops and encouragement starts? Or where does appropriate and necessary pressure start?
You'd be right if you were thinking that 1 and 2 are completely unacceptable. I hope we can all agree on that. If this is something you are doing then please stop and please seek some help to find a different way.
What about 3? This is too much pressure, too. It isn't, however, uncommon, particularly if you are really worried about your child not eating or drinking, if you don't have the money to waste food that is spit out, or if you have been brought up or advised that this is the best way. In some cultures, it is very common to feed toddlers forcefully, but it sadly can lead to deaths by suffocation on food in the lungs, and can psychologically traumatise a child (eg see this article discussing this practice with Kenyan and Nigerian experts).
4 and 5 are really common too. And they can sometimes work - in the short term, but they are pressure, and too much for many children.
What about 6? these are rules that can be seen as too much pressure by many kids. Lose them!
7 and 8 - we all try these - do they work? sometimes in the short term - but nope they are too much pressure too
9 - surely this is ok? we all say these things instinctively. But for children who are struggling to eat, these imply number 8 - that they are only a 'good girl' if they eat those things, which can be too much pressure
Which leaves us with 10. Surely this is ok. Hmm, well it depends.....
How does this compare with what you thought was 'ok'? Or what you do?
Now of course we all do some of these things some of the time, but we are thinking more of the planned strategies for your child who has a feeding problem. You have probably already establsiehd that these don't 'work'.
The dinner party with friends rule
What does a dinner party with friends have to do with this?
Compare the list above to what you would think was ok for you to use with an adult friend or colleague at a dinner party or other shared meal. You're not (I hope going to be forcing them, or threatening them with no dessert, or telling them they're a good boy every second bite. Or telling them the rule is they have to eat a bite of everything, or 3 bites of everything, or whatever. And when you get down to number 10, will you even be saying to them - go on, take a bite?
But they're not an adult and they need guidance!
Ok I get that, and we need to use common sense here. A newborn baby needs to be held and gently prompted to suckle. A child with intellectual disability may need to be fed well into adulthood. An easily distractible child of any age may need reminding to bring their focus back to their plate and to think about eating.
What to say or do instead?
Like in a dinner party, focus on a nice atmosphere. Talk about how their day was, play I spy, praise them (if you must) for helping you bring the food to the table, or thank them for passing a spoonful of rice to their sibling. Maybe notice how juicy the piece of food you are eating is, and ask how theirs is, but don't overstate it - you don't need to be saying wow yummy this is amazing (again too much pressure unless like at a dinner party you are just stating it neutrally, not with the hidden agenda of encouraging your child to eat it). You can model talking about your own hunger and satiety signals- wow my tummy was really rumbling because I was so hungry, and now it feels lovely and full. Avoid diet and nutrition talk, or pressure.
What is stopping you?
You might feel that you really can't stop whatever tactics you are successfully employing to get your child to eat, even if it is to get them to eat or drink 'just enough' rather than the amount and variety that you would really be ok with.
If so, please do speak to your GP, health visitor or other trusted health worker for more support. Removing excessive (ie all) pressure really can help your child feel comfortable to start to explore food at their own pace, and sometimes those changes can be seen pretty quickly, but it can be difficult to take that leap of faith.